What do you do? What can you really do when you aren’t
certain? And you’re stuck in that awkward moment when you’re starting to really
like someone and you aren’t sure if they return the feelings and you hope that
they do but are too afraid to actually believe they could like someone like
you. Sometimes you believe it and other times you just say there’s no way.
Although I do like him a lot, I know where my focus is. I know where I am going
for 5 months, how long I’m going to be there and unfortunately know that I’ll
have no idea where he will be while I’m gone. It sucks really. Sometimes I just
sit down and wish I didn’t like him and I have tried to detach myself from
him….. but somehow….. he draws me back in. Maybe it’s his laugh, the way I
cuddle up next to him when I’m afraid, the way he buries his nose in my hair
and the way he pulls me close. There are so many things I like and I feel so
silly for feeling this way. I feel like a child when I’m with him. I don’t have
to try. It’s awesome. It’s innocent, relaxed and just natural. It’s times like this when he’s at work that I
really miss him. But I know when he’s not busy he’ll text me. J I hope
Its
really weird for me to be comfortable with where I am. With who I am. Its just
hard to wrap my head around just how far I’ve come. And looking back on it
now…. I shouldn’t even be alive! Last year was good, but this year I can feel
in my heart is going to be the best year I’ve ever had. I don’t know exactly
what’s going to happen but it’s so nice to say that I don’t care J I’m not worrying about the
future and it’s a shock for me. Its weird for me to be so trusting. Its so
weird to not worry about how things may go with Anthony. Its so weird to not worry about Colt, but at
the same time I’ve never felt so free!!! I cant remember the last time I looked
in the mirror and was actually HAPPY with what I saw. Its amazing to sit down
and just see all the ways God is working in my life. It’s a very powerful time
when you sit down and just think and talk and type and worship…. Although its
hard for me to really get into worship right now since I am in school in this
tiny room in between classes…. I told my teacher I wanted to work on writing a
paper when really all I needed was some time with God. I have my worship music
on and just sitting here serene. Just reminiscing about all the things he has
done for me, is doing for me and all the things he will do for me. Just
knowing, like what Caleb said read at youth last night, he is the past, the
present, and the future. You can find God in every aspect of your life if your
willing to shine the light on your past. My feet smell really bad… HAHAHA! Oh
well
Anyway…. What I wanted to talk about
are my dreams.
A few
weeks ago I had a dream…. Well it was dark and I couldn’t see anything but I
just heard this echoing voice that cried out I am the Lion of Zion! And
honestly it freaked me out and made me curious because I have never heard God
called the Lion of Zion and I honestly thought I was going nuts. And then I
looked it up. Strangely enough, God is called the Lion of Zion in other
people’s dreams during Judgment. It was a really weird thing to hear.
And
then a few days ago I had a dream that I was walking up this huge stair case in
my house and I came to this door…. It had a little sign hanging on it that said
“The Israelite Room.” It was an odd sign but I was curious and opened the door.
Immediately I was on my knees crawling across the floor further into the room.
The room was so beautiful words cannot even describe the beauty that I
witnessed. There were flowers and candles and golden decorations and in the
very middle against the far wall was an alter. It was sooooo beautiful!!! Truly
amazing.
